Don’t Go There, Shelly…

4 Nov

I shouldn’t have gone to that “place”.  I did though.  I was alone at my mom’s house tending to her dogs.  She was gone to a doctor’s appointment and I just wandered into their bedroom to look at pictures of them.  I knew it’d make me cry and I  hate crying but I had to look.  He’s been gone for a week and a half.  I haven’t cried hard since Saturday (his service).   I thought I was done crying.  I knew I’d tear up here and there but I thought I was done with the “hard” stuff.

Then, I saw his glasses…. his wallet.  I saw 3 pieces of Bazooka gum near his spare change… he loved gum.  There are signs of him everywhere in their home.  The glasses and wallet were one of the purest representations of him to me.  He always had them on him.  I needed a hug from him at that moment but he was nowhere to be found.  His hugs were big and strong.  They’re gone forever.

I’m bawling as I write this.  My golden retriever is whining because she wants to help me.  She can’t help me.  No one can.  I just need to wait it out.   I’m hoping time will dull this pain.  I so hope it’s not a long time though.

I don’t get to hear him snicker at my silly ideas (or even my serious ideas).  He was known for one-liners.  He was a conservative banker so he had to be professional.  He carried that professionalism outside of the office.  He was so funny.  You never expected it because he was so dry about it.  My sisters and I would get annoyed sometimes because he had this nervous habit of chuckling when we  told him something.  The chuckling signified to us that he didn’t approve but he didn’t mean it.  It was the awkwardness of not knowing what to say at that moment.  What I would give, to hear him chuckle at me right now.  Actually, he is.  He’s watching me now, annoyed that I’m so sad.  He’s annoyed that we’re all sad and carrying on.  He wouldn’t want the attention.  He was the best.

I’ll eat anything.  It’s gross.  I can’t tell you for sure how many cupcakes I’ve eaten in the last week and a 1/2.  I bought 30 cupcakes heavily frosted in bright orange, purple and green from Sam’s Club.  They were meant to be distributed to Brucee’s soccer teammates on October 26th (Brucee’s bday).  They annoying kid with the peanut allergy only allowed me to get rid of 8 of the 30 cupcakes.  That’s about 22 cupcakes left over.  Roo’s birthday was the 27th and there was no way he was sharing the cupcakes with his friends.  Please, he goes to the high school.  The frosty treats were awesome at first.  I guessimate that I have consumed about 18 cupcakes since 10/26.  The latest ones being a little tough….  I wish Mick would throw them away.  I wasn’t going to.  I should have sprayed them with Windex a long time ago. 

Before I went to my parents and got myself all emotional.  I spoke to an Inkmaster and set up my appointment for Tuesday to get my 1/2 and full marathon tattoos.  I love having things to look forward to.

Today was sneaker day at work so I wore cowboy boots.  I’m a leader, damn it!

People have asked me why I don’t get contacts instead of wearing glasses.  I like my glasses.  They’re like an accessory–like a piece of jewelry.  Today I wore my Prada’s.

Off to the Mall to get basketball shoes for Brucee.   I’m going to try not to buy things for myself.


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