Jipped….

2 Nov

Where have I been?  At first, I told myself that I wasn’t going to mention what’s happened since it’s so personal to me (and my family).  Then, I thought, I’m going to write detail for detail about what happened as a way to “get it all out”.  Finally, I decided I’d just give you the basics….

My dad died Monday, October 24th, 2011.   It was very unexpected.  I expected him to be around for another 30 years.  After all, I’ve been fortunate to have all of my grandparents up until 4 years old when we lost my dad’s dad (he was in his late eighties).

But after all that’s happened, my mom, my sisters, our families and our friends realized that my dad took the path he was meant to take.

As you can imagine, I’m pissed.  I’ve been jipped.  I’m sad and when I laugh, I feel guilty.  I know, I know, trust me, I know that my dad, especially my very kind, unselfish, loving dad wouldn’t be happy if he knew I was making a big fuss about his death but I still feel super sorry for myself (and my wonderful family).  It’s only been a week and I know that it’ll take a long time to feel like myself again.  I know that there will be times when I just break down and cry (even years from now).  Every time I think I have no more tears, I cry.  I frickin’ hate crying.

I haven’t been running anywhere near where I was before my dad died.  I ran today but I felt like it was so hard to breathe.  I don’t have a cold and I don’t feel sick but I couldn’t get a good breath which left me feeling panicky at times.

At  10:05am, I ran 8.15 miles with an average mile/minute of 8:38am.  It was beautiful outside.  It was sunny and there was a wind (more than a breeze) that kept me cool.  First, I ran a 7:51 mile.  By the end, I was running a 9:16 mile (I  struggled?!).

Brucee had the day off school due to parent/teacher conferences.  He and I took my mom’s dogs on a long walk and then visited with her and my sister, Marla, for a little bit.  My little sister’s been away from her new home and husband for about 3 weeks because she’s been staying with my mom.

Work.  Oh yeah, I work.  I went back to work yesterday which would be 5 workdays after my dad died.  After “how are you doing?”, everyone asked, “you’re back already?”.  They only meant well but it made me feel like a smuck for coming back so soon.  That question made me feel like I didn’t care about losing my dad.  I could have stayed away from work longer but I needed the structure that work provides.  I was sitting on the couch watching a crapload of TV and eating a bunch of goodies that friends and family had given us.  Besides…. I only work 4 hours a day.  I like my job and I like the people I work with so, to be honest, going to work was a good thing.

I wore a Summer-y dress and Fall-ized it by throwing a sweater on…

Yes, I know my hair looks awful.  I’m trying to grow it out but it’s to the point where I need a trim in the worst way.

With all the sadness we’ve been experiencing, we were lucky enough to be invited to a family/friend’s wedding.  With all the drama, The Who’s been coming home on the weekends to be with us.  Here’s a nice picture of my daughter and I.

I love the way The Who looks but Momma definitely needed a camisole.  Oops!

She’s a great young lady.  She’s mourning as well but she’s been letting me lean on her… a lot.  I vent and she calms me down.  She’s  like a very positive, healing light (just like my momma).  I’ve been leaning on my young daughter more than I should have; afterall, she’s got a lot on her plate being a Junior in college.  She’s currently trying to juggle studying for her PCAT, being a student ambassador and working as a tutor at her college.   I’m so lucky to have her.

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4 Responses to “Jipped….”

  1. @adriennewraps November 2, 2011 at 11:54 pm #

    Shelly! I was missing your blog posts!! I wondered what had happened. I am so sorry & that doesn’t begin to cover what you’re going through. Heartbreaking. My 20 year old sister died about 5 years ago unexpectedly. The most difficult thing ever. I still cry. Take care.

    • Shelly in MI November 3, 2011 at 11:06 pm #

      Thanks Adrienne. I missed bloggiing.

      So sorry to read about your sister passing away. That had to be a horrible loss for you and your family.

  2. Holly November 3, 2011 at 8:11 am #

    Shelly – So sorry to hear about your dad. And I don’t blame you for going back to work. I understand wanting normalcy.

    When my grandpa died a few years back I just tried to go back to school/work after the services were done. But yes, I still cry often when I think of him. That’s human nature. Take care of yourself.

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